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Letting go of expectations

In this week's Mom of the House, Brianna Bell lets go of breast feeding and looks forward to nourishing her youngest in other ways
2018-10-05 Mom of the House Eloise
Eloise. Photo provided by Brianna Bell

This week has been a bit of a nightmare at my house. After three back-to-back viruses, there are mountains of undone tasks scattered throughout our home. Laundry to be sorted and put away, toys to be organized and placed in the proper place, dishes to be washed and dried, and the list just never ends.

As a mother, I am aware of the expectations that I place on myself, and that society places on mothers in general. We are expected to keep up with “all of the things” while appearing to balance work-motherhood-home with ease.

One night this week, I laid awake at 3 a.m. while my 17-month-old nursed non-stop, spending the hours I was meant to sleep in a marathon nursing session. I knew that I was meant to comfort her and help keep her hydrated, but my body was weary from fighting for the both of us.

As dawn peeked through the curtains of my bedroom, the reality of my situation finally dawned on me. In addition to all the tasks associated with working from home and raising three kids, I was also expecting myself to continue nursing my daughter, giving to her what I wasn’t able to give her, 24/7.

Between three children, I have spent 59 months of my life nursing. For nearly five years my body has been a 24/7 open bar, and it has finally taken its toll on me. I am no longer enjoying the experience, and I know that is not good for my mental, emotional, or physical health to continue.

Being the veteran nursing mother that I am (I think I deserve that badge, at the very least), I know that quitting cold turkey could be detrimental in many ways. But acknowledging that things need to seriously slow down, and an alternative needs to be introduced has been a big step for me.

As much as it pains me to think that my littlest may need to say goodbye to the breast before she’s willing to, I am also celebrating at the idea of freedom for myself. I had always said that I would nurse my kids for as long as we were mutually enjoying the experience. But I have been unhappy in this nursing relationship for far too long, and I must respect my own desires as a mother.

Seventeen months of nursing one child is a good run, a long run. But at the end, no matter how long you’ve gone, it never quite feels like enough. I know that throwing in the towel might appear as though I’m admitting defeat, but I would rather look at it from a different perspective. Yes, this particular journey together is coming to an end, but I will nourish her in many ways, for many years.

As we say goodbye to this bond of nursing mother and daughter, we say hello to a new adventure together.

We say hello to cozying up with blankets and books.

We say hello to exploring new foods and textures.

We say hello to independence and growth.

We say hello to exploring, adventuring, and growing together.

We say hello to, hopefully, better sleep and rest, and brighter, more vibrant days together.

Instead of looking at the end of this time as a loss, I choose to be thankful for the opportunity to have sustained life through my body. It was a beautiful time, and I will cherish the memory of my nursing children forever.


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Brianna Bell

About the Author: Brianna Bell

Brianna Bell is a Guelph-based writer who focuses on events, small businesses, and community stories. In addition to GuelphToday, she has written for The Guelph Mercury and The Globe & Mail.
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