Overcoming 'Imposter Syndrome'

I have always been known to underestimate myself. As a writer I have what some might call “Imposter Syndrome”, where I constantly doubt my skill and accomplishments, in favour for an inner dialogue that says I am not good enough.

Whenever an opportunity or success arises, I feel like celebrating it would be self-indulgent, and instead I try to convince myself that my opportunities were bred out of pure luck.

Last week I received an email from someone at CBC requesting to have me appear as a guest on the CBC Radio One weekend show Fresh Air with Nana aba Duncan. Instantly I began to tell myself that this opportunity was nothing special, and in effect, that I was nothing special.

I completed a pre-interview phone call, while juggling two kids in need of constant attention. I may have even helped one of my kids in the bathroom, while attempting to remain professional and offer the best answers possible.

Once the interview was done I collapsed in defeat. I blew it, and now I wouldn’t get to appear on the show. In my mind, I had flubbed my chance and offered weak and uninspired answers.

Over the weekend a few friends asked how the interview went and I shrugged my shoulders and acted like I wasn’t disappointed in myself.

On Monday I received an email and phone call from CBC, they were impressed with my answers and wanted to have me on Fresh Air. They wondered if I could come on Wednesday (two days from then), to Downtown Toronto to record the interview.

I was in utter shock and dismay. I quickly called my husband, and made arrangements so that we could get to Toronto. I became so stressed by the thought of being late because of traffic, and I booked us an AirBnB for the night so that I could walk to CBC that morning.

Over the next couple of days I became sick and lost my voice. I couldn’t sleep because I was certain that not only would I fail and choke at the interview, I would also have no voice. I wondered if they’d send me home if they heard my voice. I wondered if they’d record the interview and say it wasn’t any good and not air it. I doubted myself in every possible way.

The morning came, and I walked the ten minutes to the CBC building, waving goodbye to my family before heading inside. It was a surreal moment. Imposter syndrome hit me hard and I watched all the big important people walk around the building.

Within ten minutes I was sitting across from Nana aba, talking about my children and my life as a mother. It felt as natural as air, and I felt comfortable and confident in those ten minutes that I spent recording. Afterwards, the producer said that they thought I was a natural, and seemed impressed with our conversation.

I felt a huge sigh of relief, and on the drive home I began to examine myself and my thoughts.

Why didn’t I believe I deserved success and opportunity? Why did I feel like such an imposter? I should be embracing these opportunities with both arms, and feeling proud of all the things I’ve accomplished. Not many people can simultaneously wipe their kids’ butt and secure a guest spot on CBC Radio, but I had.

By constantly questioning myself and feeling like I didn’t deserve a seat at the table, I was sending a message to my daughters, and women everywhere about our worth. For so long our culture has told us that in order to be successful we had to dress and act a certain way, have x-number of credentials, and in many cases, not be a woman and definitely not a mother.

It’s a new day and a new era, and every accomplishment and opportunity I receive is another step forward as a working and actively engaged mother, someone who doesn’t have to choose between motherhood or career, because I can do both.