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How to deal with toxic people

You might have to fire them from your life
20161027 Goetz ro
Therapist Matthew Goetz. Supplied photo.

Toxic personalities are a pain for most of us to deal with. But for a person with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or Asperger’s syndrome, they can be downright unnerving.

All are welcome to attend the “Dealing with Toxic People” seminar on Saturday, part of the ADHD seminar series offered by Matthew Goetz, a therapist with the ADHD and Asperger’s Centre in Guelph, and a person living with ADHD and Asperger’s.  

“The definition of a toxic person that I always use is people who willfully and consistently do not respect your boundaries or care about the things that you care about in life,” Goetz said in an interview.

The seminar happens on Saturday from 2-4 p.m. at 2 Quebec Street, second floor. The seminar series endeavours to educate, empower, and entertain adults with ADHD.

Another is coming up on Nov. 26 related to creating healthy love, at the same time and same place.

“Dealing with Toxic People” will offer participants research-based strategies for identifying and dealing with those who are generally not very empathetic or positive towards those with ADHD. The world can be an unforgiving, unsympathetic place for people with the condition.

“ADHDers have more of these kinds of toxic people in their lives,” said Goetz. “Because they’re ADHD they are sometimes the black sheep of the family, sometimes the problem child, or they have difficulties with things, and they are more likely to be people pleasers. They tend to deal with toxic personalities more often because they are easy targets, and toxic people see it as a way to push their power.”

Goetz said both people with and without ADHD could benefit from the seminar.

“Many of us have toxic people in our life,” he said. “Most people can find one or two people that they don’t have a healthy relationship with. They are trying to figure out a way to deal with this person who damages their life and hurts them.”

There is no one kind of toxic person, he indicated. They might be someone who has reached their own people-pleasing limit and just don’t want to do it anymore. Or a person who cares too much, but in a damaging way.

“Often a toxic person is someone who does not give any kind of credence or care to their own needs, so they give and give, expecting others will bend over backwards to do the same for them,” he added. “A lot of times, toxic people are made by the way they were taught, or by the way that society has hurt them.”

A toxic person can have a very negative impact on the life of someone with ADHD, triggering mental health issues, trauma, a decline in self-care, and higher stress levels, he said.

Knowing your own boundaries is the first step to dealing with the toxic people in your life.

“The first thing is to know what you need in your life to be healthy, and clearly state those needs to others,” he said.

Those who don’t respect your boundaries, or are not trying to learn who you are and what you are going through, may need to be let go from your life, he said. That is an effective way to limit their toxicity.

Visit the ADHD and Asperger's Centre website. The centre is owned by Alina Kislenko. Kislenko and Goetz host a radio show on ADHD & Asperger's on CFRU 93.3 FM called Strange Brains.

Tickets to the seminar are available at Eventbrite.

 


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Rob O'Flanagan

About the Author: Rob O'Flanagan

Rob O’Flanagan has been a newspaper reporter, photojournalist and columnist for over twenty years. He has won numerous Ontario Newspaper Awards and a National Newspaper Award.
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