This week I stood in front of a mirror for an hour and watched my body as I practised Downward Facing Dog, Warrior II, and Tree Pose. I kept my eyes trained on my body, focusing on keeping my shoulders away from my ears, my limbs aligned, and my core engaged. As I practised yoga in a room full of more experienced practitioners, I continued to think one thought: what has happened to my body?
In my younger, pre-kids days, I was proud of my body. I was an active teenager, running a few miles each day during my lunch break, completing a kayak certification course in Wawa, and riding my bike across the City of Brampton to work or friends houses. I knew what my body was capable of, and felt mostly comfortable in my skin.
After having kids I resigned myself to having a “mom bod.” I bought only comfortable clothes, and tried my best to hide my tummy with flowing Boho-style shirts. I forgot what it was like to appreciate my body, instead focusing on all that my body had achieved through pregnancy and childbirth.
As I practised yoga, my eyes began to skim over to the other practitioners. I am the biggest person in this room, I thought. I felt shame creep up inside of me.
By the end of the hour long class I had worked up quite a sweat, and felt like I’d accomplished something incredible. I laid on the Yoga mat in “Savasana”, otherwise known as corpse pose, my eyes closed, my breathing calm and relaxed. I felt in my element, and was reminded of the moments I spent on the calm water of Lake Superior, or running in Caledon up steep hills in the middle of winter.
When I left my class I realized that I may not have the traditional body of a Yogi, but I am a Yogi. I asked myself if I would be okay if my body never changed, the roundness of my belly permanent, the scars and stretch marks from childbirth never-fading.
This is my body now, I thought to myself.
Now that I’m practising yoga multiple times a week, and doing other exercise, it’s fair to think that my body might firm, over time. But I don’t want to be dragging myself to yoga because I want to have a body that fits in with others. I want to practise because of the way it feels to complete an hour in the studio; the pride I feel as I gain confidence in my skill as a Yogi.
My body is capable of so much. I’m excited to see what it can do. Setting aside time to nurture myself through exercise has benefits to my emotional, mental, and physical health. I commit to the routine of caring for myself each day because of this, not because I want to shrink into a more socially acceptable size.
I can’t wait to get back to the Yoga studio tomorrow and gaze into the mirror, looking back at myself, a smile on my face, because I know I am beautiful and capable. Just the way I am.
